At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
You Might Also Like
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Netflix and you sit over there.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Social Media and Real life
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.