Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

BOSS: do you know why I called you today?

ME: because I work on Thursdays?

BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day

ME: wow you should call more

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.