*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
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All of my best ideas involve jail time.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
This a good idea
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.