*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
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ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Feels like the fourth month in January
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?