[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
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Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar