@SondraDeeMe

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

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@david8hughes

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

@KeetPotato

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

@slimmy_shady

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

@XplodingUnicorn

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

@krisv_723

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

@3sunzzz

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

@TedOfficialPage

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

@Home_Halfway

Loudest noises in the world:

5. Fireworks
4. Motorcycles
3. Gunfire
2. Rockets
1. Your shampoo bottle falling in the shower

@Matt_The_1st

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head