Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Loudest noises in the world:
1. Your shampoo bottle falling in the shower
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head