[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
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[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
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Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans