[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
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Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end