[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
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Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
the battle rages on
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.