[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
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I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
never ask a starfish for directions
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking