Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?

Me: of course sweetie

3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?

Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!

3: what was your favourite part?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?

3: mine too yay!

Me: yay!

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.

SCARY COSTUME

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

Aw cool firepit!

Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

[funeral]

minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*

guy in casket: i am literally dead

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

ㅤ

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆