Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!

Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

[audition]

Casting Director: can you do accents?

Me: *cries Britishly*

CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?

Me: *cries in Japanese*

CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly

*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

Kanye West Presents:

KANYE ON BROADWAY

Featuring:

“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no