Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

motivation

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

On the way to school this morning:

5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”

Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”

5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

Wife: omg it’s happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you’re not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

[taking girlfriend out]

her dad: have her back at a reasonable time

me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time

her dad: propose

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

My daughter has an arch nemesis and I recently found a list of ideas she titled “get even”, and while we’re gonna have to rule out “eat his lunch” and “glue his hair” I think we can work with “beat him at football”

bears

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.