At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
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Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.