Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?

her: yeah, sure

“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”

-Costco.

-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

and now we wait

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

Vet: We have to put his dog down

Assistant: You tell him

Vet: No, you

Assistant: You!

Vet: YOU!

John Wick: What are you two whispering about?