Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?

optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

when you order from DoorDastardly

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

*names my little horse OneTrick*

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.