Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down