Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

LMAO.

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.

Butterfly: please?

God: I can’t do it.

Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.

Butterfly: ok fine : (

Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.