Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

I have never related to anyone more.

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here