At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
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[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
This is a post about animal excrement and the English language.
bull$#!% = nonsense/lies
chicken$#!% = petty or cowardly
horse$#!% = nonsense/lies
dog$#!%= low quality
ape$#!% = wild
bat$#!%= crazyOrdered above from oldest to newest: bull$#!% (1914), bat$#!% (1971).