At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
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Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise