Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.

Anyone really

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still