@urmumsausername

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

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@KelgoreTrout

the easiest way to distinguish between their/there/they’re is to remember that they are all different words

@MNateShyamalan

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

@joeljeffrey

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

@imjustdiane

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

@greg_vee

If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet…

Then yeah… I’m about as self-helpful as they come.

@drinksmcgee

Jurassic Park (1993)

A ragtag gang of dinosaurs attempt a wacky prison break after an evil businessman tries to force gender roles on them.

@KentWGraham

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

@justokpanda

Curiosity killed the cat, but an ancient tribal burial site brought him back. Whoopsies.