Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
You Might Also Like
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.