At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
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Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Sex so good you see dead people.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.