Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’

Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’

Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’

W: ‘What was that??’

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

[being seated for blind date]

her: have you ever been on one of these before

me: yeah I love chairs

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

when she block me on everything

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt

me: same

4yo: *blows whistle again*