At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
You Might Also Like
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.