At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
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I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.