At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
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I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Bill is short for Billiam