At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
You Might Also Like
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
As the Lord intended
My boss called in sick of me
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Stop it! 😂
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.