At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
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Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I’ve been learning to cook.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
why would tinder want me to say this
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.