At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
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Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*