Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

[choking to death on a sushi roll]

CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

What a year we’ve had this week.

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no