Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.

I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter

Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.

A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.

Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?

Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

Her: You’ve been quiet.

Him: Thank you.

“I FIXED IT!”