[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
You Might Also Like
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample