Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.

I’m sorry.

Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut

Donkey Kong sommelier

Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

Imma get shredded!

Goes to the cheese aisle.

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these

Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.