{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
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I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]