{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
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You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
starting a garage orchestra
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Perfection.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
