Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.

Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.

“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.

studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair

You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.