Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

what?

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

LOL

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater

me *in my regular sweater*: thanks

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.