Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?

I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.

The afternoons I spent on my hair.

Franz Kafka, 1912.

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.