[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
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My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.