[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
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Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child