[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

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[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

Haha, April fools


The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.


Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.


My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library. I said “WTF man, it’s 2015. You can use whatever printer you want.”


If it burns when you pee, you need to be eating less firewood.

It’s science


Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.


*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*


Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.


My 3yr old pooped her big girl panties at church today and I forgot the wipes, in case you were feeling bad about being single today.


[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*