[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
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Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Isn’t
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Sheep
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
multitasking lunch
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.