Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?

I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.

Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.

Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!

My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*

Me- STOP IT

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

Me: i knew you’d pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods