Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hero horse inspires millions

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?

her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

I’m listening

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one

clerk: do you have a baby

me: would you accept cash instead

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.