[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
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“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live