*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
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I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.