*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
You Might Also Like
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.