Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.

you’re not fooling anyone

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.

Me: Really? Just me?

Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.

Me: I don’t have time for players.

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms