Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas

Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.

The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

People on Facebook Nowadays:

*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*

*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

“The Perfect Relationship”

The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.