@DominicStraw

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

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@henchbeaver

Things that make me irrationally angry:

• fire ants
• random clicking sounds
• hangnails
• brass or gold accents in home décor
• mayonnaise

@causticbob

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

@Angibangie

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

@iGreenMonk

A boy met a girl

She:Every time u smile, I feel like inviting u to my place

He(smiling):Why thank u.. are u single?

She:No, I’m a dentist

@lazerdoov

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

@Priscilla_YEAH

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

@Kyle_Lippert

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

@mommajessiec

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

@LostFelicia

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.