*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
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Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me: