*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
You Might Also Like
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…