Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

goldfish mafia

quarantine day 3

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

Here’s a meme

A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away

My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”

SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?