*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
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What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Free him
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*