*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
You Might Also Like
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Bruh PLEASE
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
philosophical skeletons be like
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
*praying for world peace*
God:
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.