I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
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Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
me after drinking all the wine:
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.