Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”

Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

[first time at a rave]

These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*