Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?

Me: Here just use this Captain America

4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse

🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse

🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn

I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.