Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

❤Missed connection❤

You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card

I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

“What’s your name?”

“Sharky.”

“Is that your real name?”

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not.”

*hands me my order*

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”