Every work meeting this week
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
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[Texting with husband]
Him: I hate when you correct me and make feel like an idiot. Your lucky I love you so much
Me: awwww *you’re
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
A lion would never cheat on his wife. But a Tiger Wood.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
She: Don’t talk like that.
Me: With my thumbs?
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
*makes him a stormtrooper*