[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
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Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.