At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
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*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
🤣🤣🤣
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
The Onion called it…again.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.