Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.

Breaking news:

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

Me: Netflix and chill?

Her: sure

Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password

Her:

Me: and don’t forget the condoms!

PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.