Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.

I’m never included in anything.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈