Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

Sooo many times…..

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.

me: no problem i’ll just wash them.

hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?