Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

The options really are this bad

We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”

*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

Never forget.

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here

The most important meal of the day is the next one

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!