People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
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Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Breaking news:
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.