They say drugs will hurt your long term memory but I kind of take pride in needing to Google the proper spelling of “Bieber” every damn time
*spends 45 minutes untangling headphones
*drops phone, squats to pick it up
Phew! Good workout!
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Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
No I don’t want to go camping. I go to a dead end job 40+ hours a week just so I don’t have to sleep outside.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog