[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
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*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
it’s finally my moment to shine
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online