Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?

Me: Slept in.

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything

Husband opening his new radar detector…

Me- want me to run by really fast?

Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.

Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first