[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
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*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating