[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
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My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”