how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
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Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…